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 Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 15:59 Post subject: Need some good jokes |
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Have to tell a good joke in front of class (English)
Any ideas? English is not my native language so I don't really know any .
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 17:08 Post subject: |
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why didn't the skelleton cross the road?
because it didn't have the guts
...
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TheSaint
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Posts: 6586
Location: Cook Islands
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 17:13 Post subject: |
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Did you ever see stevie wonders backgarden???
He didnt either (he is blind)
lolololol
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 17:22 Post subject: |
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What's blue and rapes old ladies?
Me in my lucky blue raping jacket.
What did one pedophile say to another?
I'll swap you two fives for a ten
Bah I can't remember many at the moment, in a complete blank :/
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 17:45 Post subject: |
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if he tells that in front of the class people would think he is some psycho lol
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Esel_Gesi
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 17:58 Post subject: |
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2 peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 18:11 Post subject: |
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The Aristocrats (from Wikipedia)
| Quote: | A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."
The man says, "But, this is really special."
The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"
He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."
The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."
The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."
He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
"The Aristocrats!"
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Ronhrin
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Location: Paradigms are changeable, reality is absolute.
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Esel_Gesi
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 18:50 Post subject: |
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| towelie_swe wrote: | The Aristocrats (from Wikipedia)
| Quote: | A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."
The man says, "But, this is really special."
The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"
He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."
The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."
The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."
He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
"The Aristocrats!"
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lol i doubt he'll be able to read that in front of the class. |
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Esel_Gesi
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Posts: 3802
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 19:17 Post subject: |
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agreed. 
A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. The bartender says "What'll ya have?" The guy replies "2 beers." The bartender then asks "Why 2 beers?" To which the guy replies "One for me and one for the road."
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 20:10 Post subject: |
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Thanks for the replies, please no psycho/difficult ones , it's not like everyone in my class is good at English  
EDIT:These are "candidates"
| Code: | Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in the envelope....along with this note ..
Dear Becky
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky |
OR
How do you stop a nigger from hanging around in your front yard? Hang him in the back .
OR
What is the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without robin
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 20:15 Post subject: |
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Esel_Gesi
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Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 20:22 Post subject: |
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wow those are very school friendly jokes you got there...
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 20:37 Post subject: |
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I know I can't do difficult/racist jokes althought I generally like these more 
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nouseforaname
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Posts: 21306
Location: Toronto, Canada
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 20:45 Post subject: |
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A white guy finds a lamp in a hotel room. He rubs it and a genie pops out. He's granted one wish. The door crashes down and there's group of Klansman with a noose. The head Klansman asks, "Are you the guy that wants to be hung like a black man?"
asus z170-A || core i5-6600K || geforce gtx 970 4gb || 16gb ddr4 ram || win10 || 1080p led samsung 27"
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_SiN_
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Location: Cybertron
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| Posted: Thu, 20th Apr 2006 22:07 Post subject: |
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| nouseforaname wrote: | | A white guy finds a lamp in a hotel room. He rubs it and a genie pops out. He's granted one wish. The door crashes down and there's group of Klansman with a noose. The head Klansman asks, "Are you the guy that wants to be hung like a black man?" |
Good one!
But people from my class won't understand noose  Plus no KKK/racist jokes  ) |
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deelix
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Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 00:49 Post subject: |
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so it was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The Angel at the gate said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I knew she was fucking some bitch, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. I wanted to kill the fucker! So I unplugged my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel considers this, and let's him in cuz it WAS a bad day....The next dude comes up, and is asked the same question. So the dude replies, "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard, and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and fucking hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is pretty cool, and let's this dude in...the third dude comes up, and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he died. So the dude goes, 'Okay, picture this, I'm hiding in this refrigerator right..."
I know it's kinda long but i think it's a funny one
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fraich3
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Location: Not from my mouth!
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javlar
Posts: 1921
Location: Kalmar, Sweden
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 15:08 Post subject: |
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick. The bartender surprised says "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your dick" and the pirate replies "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."
Gaming - Intel Quad Q9450 @ 3.2GHZ | Radeon HD 4870 X2 2GB | SB X-Fi | PC6400 8GB | 300GB Velociraptor
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XBOX360 Gamertag: javlarmate
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 16:27 Post subject: |
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| javlar wrote: | | A pirate... |
hahahaha
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here. |
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_SiN_
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nouseforaname
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 16:41 Post subject: |
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nouseforaname
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Posts: 21306
Location: Toronto, Canada
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 19:43 Post subject: |
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| Quote: | A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest. |
| Quote: | Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" |
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| Posted: Fri, 21st Apr 2006 20:09 Post subject: |
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| Ronhrin wrote: | what's black peoples best friend?
the horse. if horses didn't exist, white people would use black people to ride.
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And this is funny in portugal?
you people are really uhmm let's say "special" |
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