I'd say she just has low self esteem. It's not exactly rare with single females who are nearing their 30s
Don't give up, if you do like her.
I also met my current gf (6 years and running strong ) on a dating website (probably the same as yours, rendez-vous?), and she was 27 at the time. And yeah, it took a bit of work (for both sides, to be entirely fair, no one's perfect)
She's had her heart broken before, obviously, and it'll take some time to break down that wall and convince her that you're in it for the long run.
It's up to you to decide if it's worth it.
I'd say it absolutely is.
But I also say this: I would never want to go through that first phase again, ever.
Why would recognizing low self-esteem be (part of) a problem?
It's not that black and white. Improving ones low self esteem, doesn't make him/her an arrogant prick overnight.
There must have been a door there in the wall, when I came in.
Truly gone fishing.
Why would recognizing low self-esteem be (part of) a problem?
It's not that black and white. Improving ones low self esteem, doesn't make him/her an arrogant prick overnight.
There is correlation between self-esteem and success. How it used to be (normal): you have success, and thus achieve higher self-esteem. How it is: everyone telling you you are a special snowflake, whereas chances are you are completely and utterly average(if even that), so why do we pump our youth full of high and unwarranted self-esteem?
Feel good only lasts so much.
What lasts is hard work and measurable achievements.
Both high AND low self-esteem are problematic. What people should instead strive for is realistic self-image. If you strive for that instead, you will be happier and more stable.
Sounds like mediocrity to me. If only the great technology pioneers had said, "fuck this im striving beyond my own realistic self image. I quit." Where would humanity be if everyone strived for that kind of 'realism'?
Achievement leads to high-self esteem, IF you have great achievement. High self-esteem without achievement is a recipe for disaster.
Achievement should always predate high self-esteem.
What leads to high achievement? Loads of things, none of them have to do with how you FEEL about yourself. Feels don't lead to economic success.
got messages last evening, and again this morning at 7AM.
'Worked in my appartment the whole evening again [mind she is renovating], going to be awesome when it's finished. I am completely getting into it'
'Finally stuff is going as it should, feeling really happy, how are you?'
'Tired, going to bed, tomorrow is going to be sun sun sun'
and then this morning at 7AM ' '
Yoo, still confusing. Why bother sending messages at 7AM. So it basically means she woke up and was thinking of me. One would think she would go for the 'want to come over?' or 'want to do something?' sentence after my repeated invitations last week she declined.
I am still in radio silence mode. Still no clue what's going on. I guess I have to get over it, so what's better than having other options. Other dates coming up the coming days. So maybe another episode is coming
why not do one final offer to help her renovating ? stating something like do u want to spend time together, let me come over and lets have fun painting together. blabla
u obvious do also still have her in your mind, nothing to lose. if she cancels on u coming over, delete the number lol, then i doubt she is even renovating at all and living in her own fantasy world
why not do one final offer to help her renovating ? stating something like do u want to spend time together, let me come over and lets have fun painting together. blabla
u obvious do also still have her in your mind, nothing to lose. if she cancels on u coming over, delete the number lol, then i doubt she is even renovating at all and living in her own fantasy world
He should stay strong and let the spark die, he knows it's for the best
got messages last evening, and again this morning at 7AM.
'Worked in my appartment the whole evening again [mind she is renovating], going to be awesome when it's finished. I am completely getting into it'
'Finally stuff is going as it should, feeling really happy, how are you?'
'Tired, going to bed, tomorrow is going to be sun sun sun'
and then this morning at 7AM ' '
Yoo, still confusing. Why bother sending messages at 7AM. So it basically means she woke up and was thinking of me. One would think she would go for the 'want to come over?' or 'want to do something?' sentence after my repeated invitations last week she declined.
I am still in radio silence mode. Still no clue what's going on. I guess I have to get over it, so what's better than having other options. Other dates coming up the coming days. So maybe another episode is coming
I know it's probably hard to, but just keep the silence on. She'll probably eventually get the message that you gave up on her and quite sending shit. If this is how she was with every guy in her life no wonder she doesn't date anyone or have a relationship. I dunno what it is man but these days both guys and girls are just crazy. Was not like back in the day, today finding a suitable partner is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
Sure, if you want a chick that doesn't know what the fuck she wants and she'll always just go back and forth, and you'll never know where you're at. I'm just trying to help a Humper out to not fall in such a crappy situation. In the end it's the best.
Maybe I was lucky when I met my gf. No games just..
"I like you"
"I like you too"
it's that fucking simple
I never had to deal with all this "will we, won't we" drama stuff. You met someone, you liked them, you fucked them, you stayed with them, you broke up, you meet someone else.
why not do one final offer to help her renovating ? stating something like do u want to spend time together, let me come over and lets have fun painting together. blabla
u obvious do also still have her in your mind, nothing to lose. if she cancels on u coming over, delete the number lol, then i doubt she is even renovating at all and living in her own fantasy world
He should stay strong and let the spark die, he knows it's for the best
Well I already offered to help in her renovation earlier, because, well I actually like renovating and I like her, so win-win, right. But she pushed it forwards to 'maybe later'.
So I did a last effort yesterday, and again offered my cheap labor efforts. But again I got an answer like 'maybe later, but at the moment there is nothing you can do'. I had already emotionally detached, but now I am completely gone. Maybe she's just too stressed out because of the renovation or so. I dunno. I did ask her why she was sending messages all the time if she doesn't want to meet again. And she said 'dunno, let me think'.
I just checked on the dating site and she hasn't logged in in like 3 weeks or so. So I don't think there is someone else in the running. And I don't think she has another guy sleeping over regularly, as she is sending messages in the morning and evening almost every day, and if she sends, and I reply 2h laters, I get a response like 1 min later, so that would be hard with some other dude around.
Too fucking bad, had been a looooooong time since I felt that spark. It probably scared the shit out of her too. But this isn't going anywhere; and I'd assume if you like someone, you want to spend time, right.
And it is indeed the 'you'll never know where you are at' that is bothering me a lot. I constantly have the feeling I might get a message one day which says 'I married Juan yesterday' or I might not receive a message in like 2 months. Call me boring or old school, but if I like someone, i just want to spend time with the person.
It literally tore me emotionally apart. She came by, steamy passion, afterwards we were cuddling in bed, holding hands, telling how we feel, 'you are so tall, I feel safe', 'you have nice teeth, mine are not so nice', 'yeah I like your butt' 'no, it's fat', 'no it's perfect', *kiss kiss kiss* Well stuff people do when they like each other, right. Then she storms out of bed 'I need to go'. Then repeat that sequence against my door, and half an hour later 'i need to go' *bam, off she went*. Actually I never saw her again after that. It's emotionally challenging, especially if she tells she will come over and actually spend the night, and then cancel some hours before she was supposed to come over. But then continue messaging as nothing happened. And if i propose to see each other, ignore, and just continue messaging.
I can't emotionally handle this shit. I have been blown off before, but then you typically don't get the funny stuff in bed. Or you 'use' someone for sexy time, but then i don't send messages every day, nor did I do the extensive cuddling and talking and sweet stuff in bed afterwards [and even then, I always did spent the night, if you can fuck, you can sleep together, who prefers sleeping alone over sleeping with someone else...]. Or you get dumped after a longer time, but then there's typically a reason or friction before and contact abruptly stops.
Yeah been there done that, once that spark is gone, it's gone, especially when shitty things happen during that, you will always remember.
Best to forget and move on man
Proud member of Frustrated Association of International Losers Failing Against the Gifted and Superior (F.A.I.L.F.A.G.S)
This is what I hate the most, she got you attached you felt that spark but she didn't give a crap and she fucked you over. And then girls wonder why people won't date them...
Posted this once already, but everything you said just reinforces this:
I'm pretty sure I figured it out: she has failure anxiety. That's a condition, when the motivation to avoid failure is greater than the motivation to succeed. This is a common problem of special snowflakes, once they grow up, and realize they have to fight for something to achieve it, and many times they might fail. Gen-y is a generation, that is not taught to fail, and that is why they sabotage themselves, don't even try, just so they vaoid failing.
Of course, this means they will never succeed. Once again, there are many exceptions though.
With this girl however, it's clear this is happening.
At this point, I'd risk simply calling her out on her behaviour. Simply accuse her of sabotaging her own happiness, just because she is afraid of hypotheticals. I'd tell her she'll never be happy, if she doesn't grant herself a chance.
Call her out on her begaviour. Confront her. Grow a pair, mate.
At this point, I would just frankly go over to her place with ice-cream, and tell her, well, you're here now, she has do deal with it.
She just has to take that leap of faith. She wants to, but she is sabotaging herself. At the very least tell her, you know what's going on, and you can help her overcome that, BUT she has to make it halfway there.
If she says things like: yeah, but, I'm controlling, you're better off, etc. Just simply reply, that is bullshit, and you know it. Excuses.
Mate, don't be such a passive pussy, take charge already, it's needed.
Oooor just forget about her and move on? I don't know if I'd pursue this if I was him, most likely not. Nothing with growing a pair, some girls are just not worth the effort. But then again being in love/having a crush on someone can do crazy things to your brain
Oooor just forget about her and move on? I don't know if I'd pursue this if I was him, most likely not. Nothing with growing a pair, some girls are just not worth the effort. But then again being in love/having a crush on someone can do crazy things to your brain
He clearly has a crush on the girl, but for some reason continues to play her text game, instead of taking action and being decisive.
At this point, I'd risk simply calling her out on her behaviour. Simply accuse her of sabotaging her own happiness, just because she is afraid of hypotheticals. I'd tell her she'll never be happy, if she doesn't grant herself a chance.
Call her out on her behaviour. Confront her. Grow a pair, mate.
That's actually the best thing to do, yeah. There's nothing to lose at this point.
There must have been a door there in the wall, when I came in.
Truly gone fishing.
So, first of all. Grow some balls... I would have visited her a long time already; but then I need to know where she lives... She is renovating her appartment and currently living with her parents. So, even if I would know where she is currently living; magically appearing at her parents place would be a bad idea...
So I phoned her and asked her what was going on. So she told me she was very frustrated with herself because she has the feeling time is running out and she has no spare time nor social life anymore as she is busy with work, the renovation, and her additional study she is doing with exams coming up. And again "it's not you", "better off without me, trust me" etc. And if I asked her why she was doing everything at the same time "i thought i would have the time being single".
So I told her she knows what I want and that I like her and I know she likes me. And she should allow people to help her and not try to do everything herself. People that do care can do little efforts to help her etc. Anyway, was relatively short but interesting conversation. But honestly, I think she thinks any sort of relationship or any form of commitment takes a shitload of time and she fears she will lose control of her other stuff and she is just denying it alltogether.
Decided again not to send any messages anymore. Out of the blue got messages with "good night", did not reply. Next day; out of the blue at 11PM "Again good night". Then i replied with "goodnight, but I'd rather have you whisper it in my ear". Then next day I got some messages at 6AM, 7AM again how I was doing, but again nothing substantial or any hint at meeting again.
So I will just try to go complete radio silence and try to get over it.
As I said I don't think she's worth it, but then again I am not much of an expert She seems like she wants a relationship but she's afraid of the ride, the commitment and of all the different variables that you have no control of. The fact that she texts you randomly tells me that she still hopes for something but I guess is afraid to open up.
Spankie, truthfully, do you really like this girl, would you like to date her? Because it seems you really fancy her, but are at a loss of what to do. Both of your options are bad, when it comes to forging a relationship. The good way is the firm way, the third option.
Getting in to the text game is silly, and that obviously should be shut down.
But just like I called it many posts ago, she will not stop texting. Her excuses: lack of time, commitment issues, "you're better off without me, I'm a control freak" - these are all excuses, none of them are real. She is not lying to you, she is lying to herlsef.
Every time you accept these poor excuses, and try to give a helping hand, etc, you lost. Because these are not the real reasons.
Real reason is, she likes you, but is scared the relationship wouldn't work, so because she has failure anxiety, she would rather not even try. But then again, she has feelings for you, so she can't control herself, that is the reason for the messages.
You haven't been firm, because you responded to the excuses, not the REAL issue.
If you want to get ahead, you have to start with that. I am pretty much sure, what I'm saying is true.
I didn't type grow some balls to insult you. I wrote it as advices. Bring the discussion to your part of the field. She obviously wants to be with you, but doesn't allow herself to be. You have to CONFRONT her about this.
"goodnight, but I'd rather have you whisper it in my ear" - this is not confrontational. This is accepting the text game, in which you lose. Always.
The radio silence without an ultimatum at least equals giving up.
You have to confront. Call her out on her behaviour, tell her you don't buy the bullshit excuses, and that she's fooling herself by not giving herself a chance. What excuse will she have, when the renovations are done?
Addendum: no matter how trendy metrosexuality is these days, women appreciate a man who knows, what he wants, and if that man fights for it. Especially if that something is them.
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) on a dating website (probably the same as yours, rendez-vous?), and she was 27 at the time. And yeah, it took a bit of work 
One would think she would go for the 'want to come over?' or 'want to do something?' sentence after my repeated invitations last week she declined.
I'm just trying to help a Humper out to not fall in such a crappy situation. In the end it's the best.
