Alright, I'm going to play open card on this then. I'm not fully comfortable with that, but I want some opinions (yeah yeah FHITB ^^) and I want you guys to understand the best you can.
So, imagine there's a 20-year old guy. He's never had that much contact with women at all. In his previous years he went to school and as soon as he got home he jumped behind his PC to browse the internet (and the Humps) and play video games. He goes to his music practice once a week and that's basically it. He has friends, but not real friends where you hang out with every week or so, more like school friends. So, the guy finishes his school and starts working, still plays a lot of games but with Humpers since a while which is awesome. Nothing that wrong yet, right? Where are the women then you ask? Well, that follows.
So, the guy goes to his weekly music practice and this week is somehow different, because they work together with a dance group of girls where they are going to perform with on a concert. While he's sitting there, watching those girls he sees a familiar face, it's someone from his school he went to. As shy as he is, he's not going to talk to her and the end of the practice he goes home, like he normally does. He's going to bed when all of the sudden he receives a Facebook message from someone..guess who it is: ''Hey, weren't you that guy blowing/playing the Horn?''(yeah yeah, bring on the jokes faggs xD). He replies that it was him indeed.
The following days they start chatting a bit...and a bit more...and a bit more. She tells me about her problems she had/has in her life, mental and physical, don't want to talk details to be honest. One of her problems is meeting people, but one day she said fuck it let's meet and so we did. We walked and talked like about everything for two hours and while she said she was a bit nervous and so, she still enjoyed it. The following days and weeks we chat everyday and start meeting more and more and I'm starting to like her very very much, but she tells me not to get feelings for her, because she's not in love with me..and boy that's harsh, to have the feeling you like someone, but she doesn't like you. In fact she still is in love with her ex (also best friend) and they are more like uhm...friend with benefits. But me being me, I'm not dropping the girl, just because she isn't in love with me. I know I'm in the friendzone as a motherfucker, but at least I have an awesome time with a girl and that also feels amazing. Now I know what I missed all those years, the feeling I have with this person is just WOW. I finally got the feeling that I'm actually living. I meet her friends and all and they are all awesome too. And oh, she sent me semi nude pictures all the time..which is nice, but also very very frustrating, because she knows I didn't have much experience with girls and she likes to tease...but yeah who am I to say no to those pictures, I'm a man after all.
In all those meetings and chats we have, she talks a lot about her problems and me being a good listener I try to help her the best way I can, because that's who I am. Now the second problem comes, and I actually blame that on myself. Because I feel so great when I'm around with her, I feel no so great when she hangs out with other people, I know that's me being jealous. She has a great time with other people and I don't, that sucks. Haven't played any games for the last four weeks, because I don't get as much fun out of it then I used to do, being with her is way more awesome. And she notices it that I'm not happy when she's with other and I'm not with her and two weeks ago that became a bit too much for her. She says she's done with me for the time being. I didn't reply to that and we haven't talked with each other for over a week.
Since last friday she started talking again too me and again tells me that I was pressuring her too much. That she wasn't allowed to have fun if I wasn't around and that she's not sure about the future. But in fact I don't agree with me, because most of the times she started talking to me (I always answered though) and she always had a great time when we met. But I didn't say that to her, only that I'm giving her all the time she need.
So, here we are...not sure what to do with the whole situation. I'm not feeling that great, because I miss that awesome feeling you know. So now we talk, but when I think back about it I feel I was just a fucking time waster for her, rather then a good friend or something. I wish I just could find another girl, because that's all I want and what I'm really missing in my life now.
Not sure if I told the whole story right, but this is the best I can. If you want to know more, I'm all ears.
Aeon, i read it all and the way is see it. The story reminds a bit of "The Girl Next door" movie . I know it is painful right now but in longterm that what happaned was a good thing,because you were not happy before and you did not know what you were missing - but now you know. - You want find yourself a girl and there a lot of girls who would like to be with you. Girls are not that difficult - they want all the things you want - being loved.
Im the guy who "Shitting up world news", according to admin, so watch out ...
Just think about it. Before meeting her, how many people did you open up to? How many people did you do the things you did together with her?
That's just the fun of stepping outside of the Internet for awhile. The girl's probably nice, but I doubt you are in love with a girl just because she gave you some attention. You're in love with the idea, yeah probably. And on top of that you're probably horny (don't blame ya).
Just give yourself some self-respect and back off her, no really. She already says she's not in love with you. Back off. Then get some distance to it all, and use these experiences to start doing more stuff you did with her, except with other people. Most likely the "good feelings" you felt, feeling alive was just that.
We all get a little extra tingly when someone gives us attention, particularly if it doesn't happen very often. The fact that she teases you with those pictures tells me she probably is interested in sex (at least) but that you ooze desperation, and that's a big big turnoff. Like I said, back off. If she wants to go out, tell her no (in a polite way) tell her that you've got something else on your schedule (maybe another day).
Then call her up and ask to meet her, tell her that you're probably not in love with her at all (which is what I believe is true) and be open about it. That you like her, as a friend and say you had a good time hanging out.
This will take the pressure away from the situation from her (I'm hanging out with this guy who thinks he is in love and wants me to love him back and I think I'm just horny - meh).
Feelings bro', you learn them best by experiencing them often and getting to know them. I don't think you're in love at all. You just got a taste of what life can be like if you step out of the box. Pretty common though, guys thinking they're in love and feeling it "disappear" when they've had sex. Well d'oh, reproduction of the species, reptilian brain and all. It's innately human, but too many people lie to themselves about these things (this girl probably does too).
Live your life dude, if she makes you feel good just hang out with her. But just realize she doesn't like you that way, and almost certainly never will. Prepare to see her with BFs and hear about her relationship. Tell her you're okay being just friends and just don't bring up your feelings with her again - if she suddenly changes her mind that's her move.
You wont get laid but at least you'll get adjusted to this feeling, and you wont get so overwhelmed by emotions next time. You'll also start to understand women (as much as that's possible for a man). You don't feel like gaming anymore just because this is one of the first experiences where a pretty girl actually pays attention to you (I guess), and that's just a much more overwhelming feeling of joy, so that most other things stop being important. But those feelings will normalize with time and you'll be able to go back to your old routine.
Other option is just to walk away, and I have never been able to do that personally. But don't feel like you need a woman to have a good life - as you noticed all your priorities get skewed and you can't think straight. Us introverts are possible to find other things we enjoy just as much, and even more.
And finally, if you REALLY want a girlfriend you just need to get over your fear of rejection. There are plenty of girls that will like you for what you are you just need to ask - picking them up at bars is probably a bad idea, but enrolling in some sort of class/gym/volunteer work/temp work (among others) can be good places to start a relationship. Just show some interest in them, without being too aggressive. Make your intentions clear after you get to know her a bit. If she doesn't like you try another one. I found that girls that approach you (like in your example) end up being crazy bitches, even though they might be hot.
My guess is you are like me at that age, you want a girlfriend but you expect them to come to you, even though you rarely even participate in social activities. You need to change that thinking and actually make an effort, no matter how scary it might seem.
I saw things like that in here and in other "woman problems" topics so...... Am I the only one that thinks some authorities needs to be alerted about Saner and him possibly being a rapist and/or kidnapper ?
Saner is not being serious. Unless its the subject of Santa!
That sounds like a familiar story. To make a few comments on what was said:
No, if girls tease you, it's not because they want sex. A lot of girls love attention, compliments and the feeling of being wanted. The problem is, that most girls are totally oblivious to the damage they do by flirting and teasing for attention. They often blame the guy when they're the ones who do the teasing.
I had a very very similar thing happening to me at work - female colleague (who's a good 6-7 years younger than me) was flirting with me all the time. She was cute and I went out with her a few times, met her sister and her friends, we had fun. She was a smoker which put me kinda off but I thought, well, she's planning to quit soon. During all this, I kept a distance because I'm smart enough not to get in too deep too quickly and this lasted a month or two, three. Then her flirting got quite bad with lots of sexual innuendos and teases and I thought "well, surely I can't be reading her that wrong, can I?".
Well guess what: I did. She had a bf who she had met while going on holiday to Croatia and he lived on the other side of the country - and it seems she needed me to make her feel better about herself whenever they had a fight or when she hadn't seen him in a while.
My point is - don't stick with girls who use you as a crutch. The reason they do it, is because they consider you "below" them and an easy way for their confidence to get a boost. It's selfish and cruel because they can tease you to death and then blame you to boot when you fall for them.
In her case, stay clear of her until she lost her feelings for her ex. She's fucked up anyway when she uses her ex as friends with benefits - I've seen some real ugly shit with girls like that and it never ever EVER ends well. Girls think differently from guys - they tend to only move on when they find someone else to be with and then "jump" to a new partner. They'll rarely break up without having a new "candidate" so if she's single, it sounds to me like the ex broke it off with her meaning there can be a lot of lingering feelings between the two. Again: STEER CLEAR. You'll be in a world of hurt if you get yourself involved.
No, if girls tease you, it's not because they want sex. A lot of girls love attention, compliments and the feeling of being wanted.
Most of them do. But they get turned off by desperation. It's true they love attention, so does every human being on the planet, including the OP (which is why he felt so good in her company).
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The problem is, that most girls are totally oblivious to the damage they do by flirting and teasing for attention. They often blame the guy when they're the ones who do the teasing.
"Teasing and flirting" is in the eye of the beholder. If you think a smile is "flirting" then it's you being silly and over interpreting stuff.
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Well guess what: I did. She had a bf who she had met while going on holiday to Croatia and he lived on the other side of the country - and it seems she needed me to make her feel better about herself whenever they had a fight or when she hadn't seen him in a while.
Or a hundred of other things. Including wanting to have sex, but not wanting to commit. It's hard to tell since you never communicated about it.
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My point is - don't stick with girls who use you as a crutch. The reason they do it, is because they consider you "below" them and an easy way for their confidence to get a boost. It's selfish and cruel because they can tease you to death and then blame you to boot when you fall for them.
Again, this is in the eye of the beholder. It's a very beta approach imo to think girls "use you". If you feel used, it is because you allow yourself to be. The same goes for any relationship, people create stuff like this together. If you act all submissive and offer shit up, yeah people will "use you" (a matter of perspective) but it's all in how YOU behave, what your interests are, how you project yourself and treat them. You are only as strong or weak as you allow yourself to be. At the bottom of it all we all struggle for recognition, certain people crave it more because they are starved of it, if you are THAT guy, it is more important to socialize and build up some confidence, or you'll "feel used" in every relationship (every girl will seem the same, but as a matter of fact YOU are the same).
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She's fucked up anyway
Yes, because you know someone through something something told you second-hand on the Internet. Get real. This "she's fucked up" is all your interpretation from someones interpretation of a behavior from a person they only knew a little.
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