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 Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:00 Post subject: Friends with benefits? |
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Is that even possible?
Regardless whether it's homo or heterosexual friendship/relationship?
Or is it something that ppl invented to distance themselves somehow?
I am asking because I've recently started to have a friend with benefits. We started seeing each other, and at first, you go on dates expecting that you may have some kind of relationship. But then he said that he doesn't feel the 'chemistry' between us and that he's just not ready for a relationship.
I said: ok. It's not like I haven't rejected ppl myself or been rejected before.
But I invited him to lunch, since that was already planned, and I said, well we can be friends, because we really 'clicked' at the date. We talked for over 3 hours, and we have tons of common things that we are interested in.
So, I really didn't mean for anything to happen, but one thing led to another and he initiated something.
Afterwards we talked and came to the conclusion that we could be friends with benefits. We never had one before, so why not try something new?
We set up some rules (no fucking other ppl while we are fucking each other, unless you meet that special someone, in which case the benefits part of our friendship ends), and said, why not?
So, you think all is well. And that's the problem. I thought it too. When I think about it, it's perfect. You have a friend, but every now and then, when you feel like it, you have sex. Meanwhile you can still make out with other ppl if you want to. There is no relationship drama (I've been through one recently, and so did he, and we so don't need that), and we can still enjoy each others company.
But, and here's the kicker, today he went to a friends house to a dinner. I was at his apartment earlier today and we had a good time. Now, he and his friend got stoned. And he started sending me these messages, about how he's really glad he met me, and how he had great time and such. And I'm kinda feeling he's not really that emotionally detached.
I mean when sex is involved there must be some emotions, and I get that, I find myself fantasizing about relationship stuff, and I know that's bad, because we are not together in that sense, and if I get my hopes up I could end up getting hurt, and so I am somewhat detached.
But what do I make out of these mixed signals he's sending me? Is it just because he's high? But I know that when ppl get drunk or high they usually make and say things they wouldn't normally, because that's what they really think. But if you confront them later about it, they can just say: oh I was drunk/high, I didn't mean that :\
So what do I do? Do I try to overlook this, and continue to have this friends with benefits thing? I'd love to, but what if he wants something more? :\ The idea of it sounds really great, and I'd love to have it. I don't have to care about some possible jealousy, and I still get great fun out of it (sex and good company alike).
Were you ever in this kind of relationship? And ofc, I am assuming that the 99.9% of the forum population have hetero relationship (or had), but the same really applies to homo, so any advice is helpful xD 
"Quantum mechanics is actually, contrary to it's reputation, unbeliveably simple, once you take the physics out."
Scott Aaronson | chiv wrote: | | thats true you know. newton didnt discover gravity. the apple told him about it, and then he killed it. the core was never found. |
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tonizito
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| Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:08 Post subject: |
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I wish... 
| boundle (thoughts on cracking AITD) wrote: | | i guess thouth if without a legit key the installation was rolling back we are all fucking then |
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Invasor
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| Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:15 Post subject: |
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| dingo_d wrote: | But what do I make out of these mixed signals he's sending me? Is it just because he's high? But I know that when ppl get drunk or high they usually make and say things they wouldn't normally, because that's what they really think. But if you confront them later about it, they can just say: oh I was drunk/high, I didn't mean that :\
So what do I do? Do I try to overlook this, and continue to have this friends with benefits thing? I'd love to, but what if he wants something more? :\ The idea of it sounds really great, and I'd love to have it. I don't have to care about some possible jealousy, and I still get great fun out of it (sex and good company alike). |
I've never had anything like this, so I can't really tell if the friends with benefits thing works or not (it does sound like a great idea though). IMO, you should worry about yourself (and your own feelings), not him. If you're not in a relationship (yet?) and made that pretty clear, his feelings are his problem. There's not much you can do except hope for the best and enjoy the moment, IMO.
Edit: Also, he could be just happy to be your friend.
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| Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:24 Post subject: |
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| Invasor wrote: |
I've never had anything like this, so I can't really tell if the friends with benefits thing works or not (it does sound like a great idea though). IMO, you should worry about yourself (and your own feelings), not him. If you're not in a relationship (yet?) and made that pretty clear, his feelings are his problem. There's not much you can do except hope for the best and enjoy the moment, IMO.
Edit: Also, he could be just happy to be your friend. |
Hmmm, yeah, but I think I have a tendency of getting attached too easily. And, what he said today:"why do you care about other ppls feelings, especially those you don't really know. Care about your own feelings, and about yourself."
Which is in line with what you've said - I should just go with this friends with benefits thing, and go with the flow.
Or I am misinterpreting this as I've probably done with some things before :\
Oh, and we're not in a relationship, and when we've talked about it, we didn't mention anything about it. Just friends with benefits...
"Quantum mechanics is actually, contrary to it's reputation, unbeliveably simple, once you take the physics out."
Scott Aaronson | chiv wrote: | | thats true you know. newton didnt discover gravity. the apple told him about it, and then he killed it. the core was never found. |
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Frant
King's Bounty
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| Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:33 Post subject: |
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I think the whole friends-with-benefits thing can cause a lot of confusion, misunderstanding and hurt feeling. Emotions are inevitably going to get involved and change the dynamics, affecting both friends in various ways.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
"The sky was the color of a TV tuned to a dead station" - Neuromancer
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Neon
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Bigperm
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| Posted: Fri, 3rd Aug 2012 23:56 Post subject: |
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i have had a few friends with benefits and they have always ended with someone being hurt except for in one case. When she found someone to date, i was ok with it and we are still friends.
But the others have always ended up in her wanting more, me not wanting it t be serious and they get all bent out of shape.
I find it can be amazing, but also a very slippery slope. Each relationship is different, you honestly never know.
| Jenni wrote: | | I drunk. I don't fucking care! |
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 00:41 Post subject: |
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I had one for 6 months last year. I was amazed out how well it turned out. Only reason it ended was she ended up disrespecting one of my friends career and I flipped shit.
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garus
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 00:42 Post subject: |
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snip
Last edited by garus on Tue, 27th Aug 2024 21:44; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 00:43 Post subject: |
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I doln't thinkl friensds with benefits mis possible, it may be fun ta the start, bnut eventuaølly spomeone develpoåes feeplings and then it goes toi shit. Someone gets foo infolved and that's that. what if yoju starty feelin g envisou about thw other person hyaving sex with soemone else? you starty thinking "!what if that person is better than i am? they're thinkging of somewone els ewhen we bone!" fu ck that. Guive me me a soul mate any day.
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garus
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 00:44 Post subject: |
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snip
Last edited by garus on Tue, 27th Aug 2024 21:44; edited 1 time in total
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garus
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 00:59 Post subject: |
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snip
Last edited by garus on Tue, 27th Aug 2024 21:44; edited 1 time in total
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:23 Post subject: |
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Why paoperpel typepeyp liek this when drkuneuknekunek?
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garus
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:26 Post subject: |
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snip
Last edited by garus on Tue, 27th Aug 2024 21:44; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:27 Post subject: |
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tonizito
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:31 Post subject: |
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| Mister_s wrote: | | It won't end well. |
Sabin jr.? 
| boundle (thoughts on cracking AITD) wrote: | | i guess thouth if without a legit key the installation was rolling back we are all fucking then |
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MAD_MAX333
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Location: Toronto, Canada...eh
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:32 Post subject: |
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someone ALWAYS falls for the other... mannnnnn i tried having one sort of... SHE was the one who kept saying she doesnt want a relationship blabla... but the moment i start seeing my ex the FWB one BLEW UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP oh man.... lol what a disaster...
if u chill, have fun AND are sexually exclusive then why the fuck arent u dating lol
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LeoNatan
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Posts: 73196
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:34 Post subject: |
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Sabin, why you think my every post is a jab at you?
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 01:53 Post subject: |
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| LeoNatan wrote: | | Sabin, why you think my every post is a jab at you? |
As far as i see, it was as you say a jab against him, but also in general.
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
Posts: 73196
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 02:00 Post subject: |
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It was a wonder in general, not a jab per se. When I drink, maybe I get looser, but I don't remember typing like that. And since many do it, I doubt it is intentional in most cases (aka "hey look I am drunk so I post funney"). So is it because I haven't drunk enough? Or is it because people experience alcohol differently?
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 02:04 Post subject: |
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Yeah, i don't either really. But when drunk i always make sure i type my words correctly. If i didn't i'm sure it wouldn't be much better than Sabin.
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Neon
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LeoNatan
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 02:22 Post subject: |
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Fuck no! Almost any "Meanwhile in Ruskie" video out there is of drunk Russians doing shit.
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Neon
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 03:07 Post subject: |
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| Neon wrote: | Fuck him in the butt, if you know what I mean and I think that you do  |
Been there, done that xD
"Quantum mechanics is actually, contrary to it's reputation, unbeliveably simple, once you take the physics out."
Scott Aaronson | chiv wrote: | | thats true you know. newton didnt discover gravity. the apple told him about it, and then he killed it. the core was never found. |
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 03:15 Post subject: |
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| sabin1981 wrote: | | I doln't thinkl friensds with benefits mis possible, it may be fun ta the start, bnut eventuaølly spomeone develpoåes feeplings and then it goes toi shit. Someone gets foo infolved and that's that. what if yoju starty feelin g envisou about thw other person hyaving sex with soemone else? you starty thinking "!what if that person is better than i am? they're thinkging of somewone els ewhen we bone!" fu ck that. Guive me me a soul mate any day. |
But we aren't having sex with others, that is the deal, and I trust him... I just hope I can really trust him, I mean I do, but somehow, with these things you never know :\
| MAD_MAX333 wrote: | someone ALWAYS falls for the other... mannnnnn i tried having one sort of... SHE was the one who kept saying she doesnt want a relationship blabla... but the moment i start seeing my ex the FWB one BLEW UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP oh man.... lol what a disaster...
if u chill, have fun AND are sexually exclusive then why the fuck arent u dating lol |
Dunno, I will try out and see.
I think that we don't want this to be a relationship because we've both had some bad experiences with it, and are afraid of how it might turn out. This way we don't really need to stress about that.
Plus we are not going around to our friends and go: hey we are having just some casual sex on the side!
I think that would just make things kinda awkward...
"Quantum mechanics is actually, contrary to it's reputation, unbeliveably simple, once you take the physics out."
Scott Aaronson | chiv wrote: | | thats true you know. newton didnt discover gravity. the apple told him about it, and then he killed it. the core was never found. |
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ixigia
[Moderator] Consigliere
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 03:40 Post subject: |
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| garus wrote: | | tonizito wrote: | | I wish... |
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Guys please, you seem to forget about last night..and the night before, and the night before that! |
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Aug 2012 03:40 Post subject: |
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Last edited by Interinactive on Tue, 5th Oct 2021 04:03; edited 1 time in total
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