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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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 Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 00:48 Post subject: How the fiuck do you..? |
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Long time no see NFOHump. Haven't had the interest in the forum for a long time. But as any good family-member I come crawling back when in need of ventilating strange things not fitting anywhere else.
The problem, if it really is one, is a luxuary one actually. A few months ago I met a girl. Our first time together we spent many hours together and everything felt great. We kept seeing each other, having sex, just hanging around and enjoying each others company. After some time we did it and went into a relationship. One that is still going on mind you. So far so good. Everything is still great as well. As long as I am with her. Problem is that she is away for some time because of studies. No biggie, I visit her from time to time and it is great. When I am with her.
My problem is her past. Not that it is extreme in any way really. It's just that I have a hard time accepting it from time to time. Mostly when I know we won't see each other for some time. Lots of good feelings pushed away, bad ones drawn out to make it easier to be away from her I guess.
We're about the same age (23, me being a few months older). It's just that she's been in a real relationship before, no biggie with that. I can live with that. However it is that when that relationship ended she just had some sex here and there. Nothing wrong with that per se. It's just that I seem to have a hard time accepting that she has a past. A blowjob on a vacation once on a guy she had known for a week. Vacation each year with friends since she was 18 and even though she didn't fuck with anyone from where they went on vacation she did with a friend or two as I've understood it.
The problem I get into is that whenever I am with her this doesn't matter. I don't think about it. When we are away from each other however I think about some of these things a lot. Sometimes I loose sleep over it. Eventually I get past it but it can be 2-5 days that are horrible while I try to accept it.
Part of the problem is that she lost her virginity pretty young, I didn't loose it until kind of late. Or wait, that isn't really the problem either. The problem is me thinking, a lot, about how this girl might be in the eyes of others and how I think about her. Sometimes it's like I dont really care (when I'm with her). I really do love her, I have feelings that I have never had before, feel things that I never thought I could feel. I can feel myself changing for this girl.
When we are away from each other I have days when I can think of nothing else than her past. How she may have fucked him or him. Will I meet lots of people she have fucked (I know roughly how many she's been with. It's about the same I have been with)? Does it feel "exclusive" enough knowing that those others have been there before? Everyone has a history, does my girl have too much of a history for me? And so on. Thoughts that I do not want. That I do hate myself for. That I can't really let go.
In my brighter moments I think it's because I am jealous for some reason. That I wasted my youth being a nerd instead of chasing girls, partying or whatever. And she didn't. That she lived a life more of what I want myself to have lived. At the time I was mostly happy with it as it was back then. It is now that I can't make peace with my past for some reason.
Does anyone have any tip on how I can keep these things at bay until things have settled a little?
Part of the problem is also that we have officially been a couple for like... Soon to be four months and for two of those she has been away because of the studies. I know four months isn't long at all. Not at all. But I do think this might be the girl I spend a long, long time with if I can make peace with myself over the things mentioned above. I just need a way to cope with it without she thinking I am a total douchebag.
So how the fuck do you spend so much time away from someone you love so much without having a total breakdown?
It might be worth mentioning that she does say that she has never been as much in love as she is with me. That she has never thought love could be as beatiful as it is between us. That what she haves with me is something she has never experienced before.
Actually, after simply writing about this I feel better. Not sure why if it is as simple as my repressed feelings getting to the surface or whatnot.. Oh well, input still appreciated as long as it is not "go cry emo kid" (I guess I deserve atleast one after that...) 
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 01:31 Post subject: |
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Your experience is that of mine and my best friends mixed.
He never had a girlfriend until recently, his girlfriend on the other hand had a pretty ... intense youth.
And my fiancée and I are together for almost 5 years now but she lives pretty far away so that we can see each other each ~1-2 years and for just some weeks.
My friends girlfriend says to him the same things your girlfriend says to you, like that he is the best that could happen to her and if you see her you see that she is totally in love with him. He likes her very much too, but he has the same thoughts you have. Actually they were together for almost a year until he broke up. She cried like crazy, told me to tell him that he should return to her the moment he changes his mind and so on. We talked a lot about the issues that she had a lot of boyfriends and even some long time relationships before him. He couldn't handle that stuff very well because he has no self confidence.
But somehow after ~1-2 months he returned to her and now they are happier then ever. I don't know what changed inside him but seems as if is able to accept her past. I told him several times that it would not be fair to judge her for her past, as she couldn't have known what her future had ready for her. Actually would he have acted different if he had the same opportunities? Don't think so
Well and regarding the long distance: It is hard. We had a lot of misunderstandings which led to some smaller and some bigger arguments but in the end I know her and she knows me. We love each other but I don't know how it will be to live with her together. I just hope that everything turns out as I imagine it to be. At least I will give my best and the rest is... fate?
Good luck mate. If you like her, you'll try to tolerate her past. You might not like it, but it is there.... and as the name says, it's in the past. What's important are her feelings towards you. And if she is able to make you happy when she is around and if you trust her, then just try to enjoy the times you spend together
Hmmm hopefully that helped a little 
Edit after reading reklis post:
I don't know if it is a good idea to talk with her about the issue as I don't think it is fair to judge her for that and it is hard to have a conversation on that matter without sounding like "I know it was in the past but I can't get used to it..." ...
But if you think that she'll understand just what you want to say then go ahead. But don't do that when she is away as it is a pain in the a** to fix things when she isn't next to you
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TSR69
Banned
Posts: 14962
Location: Republic of the Seven United Provinces
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 01:55 Post subject: |
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@kosmiq: I think the problem is with you.
Why do you want to think of her older sex-experiences when you are away from her? Or even worse for example, start to think that she is cheating on you. That brings down a relationship really fast.
May I ask, did you have a good relation with your mother?
My 1st advice here: You will have to trust her, by not doing so you will only cause your relationship to end sooner or later.
Maybe you have heard the song: "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free".
Meaning: If you hold on to much you are going to lose it for sure.
During those days that you are not with her maybe you should think of how great it is to be with her and looking forward to the next weekend spend together.
Last edited by TSR69 on Wed, 10th Mar 2010 02:04; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 01:55 Post subject: |
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| PumpAction wrote: |
Edit after reading reklis post:
I don't know if it is a good idea to talk with her about the issue as I don't think it is fair to judge her for that and it is hard to have a conversation on that matter without sounding like "I know it was in the past but I can't get used to it..." ...
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It's not about judgement. It is, after all, his problem but the point is (as I have made the experience) that if there's some kind of "problem" in a relationship and you just try to ignore it it fucks you over sooner than later.
Look at your mate. He couldn't handle it so he broke up with her (doesn't matter that he went back to her later).
Problem is, most women don't quite get why a guy could have a problem with her having had relationships before and therefore tend to think you think she's overly promiscous.
The female psyche. Fun times are to be had! Or not.
| Quote: | | But don't do that when she is away as it is a pain in the a** to fix things when she isn't next to you |
Heed the wisdom of these words! Never ever ever start an argument over the phone, text message, email, skype whatever.
Not even when she's only 10 minutes away from you.
Never works out well.
I once spent a night first reaching my gf (try to get a train at 2 am that goes where you need to go) and then convincing her to let me in because we started arguing about something small.
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fraich3
Posts: 2907
Location: Not from my mouth!
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spankie
VIP Member
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Location: Belgium
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 02:18 Post subject: |
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| fraich3 wrote: | | PumpAction wrote: |
And my fiancée and I are together for almost 5 years now but she lives pretty far away so that we can see each other each ~1-2 years and for just some weeks.
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Wait, you are engaged but only see her some weeks every second year at times ? Then in the past 1-2 years you have only seen your fiancee, what 6-15 times ?
Or am i misunderstanding something here |
I usually stay for >2 months... |
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Frant
King's Bounty
Posts: 24637
Location: Your Mom
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 05:52 Post subject: |
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This is all your own insecurities. You have to deal with those if you want to be able to move on, otherwise they may sit in the back of your mind making you bitter and finally ruin the relationship.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
"The sky was the color of a TV tuned to a dead station" - Neuromancer
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 07:25 Post subject: |
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| Frant wrote: | | This is all your own insecurities. You have to deal with those if you want to be able to move on, otherwise they may sit in the back of your mind making you bitter and finally ruin the relationship. |
This is the fucking truth, right there, plain and simple.
Being jealous or concerned about someone you care about is normal and healthy TO A POINT, but if you dwell on this shit, even if it's only while she's away, your going to ruin it eventually. Those insecurities leak through into everything and she'll get irritated with you.
My advice is to understand that history is history. Fuck it. It's over, there's nothing anyone can do about it -- unless you choose to make it an issue and fuck everything up yourself.
Edit: as far as dealing with separation, I know how that is. I was away from home for 6 month stretches a few years back, with barely any phone calls possible. It's tough. Just appreciate whatever contact you can have, send her nice things now and then, be glad she's honest with you about shit she's done and make every moment with her the best it can be.
Oh, and remember how much it sucks being apart so you never take her for granted. Do all that and she'll have your fucking babies. (Or not, as you prefer.)
| Sertorius wrote: | | Just be careful to your ass while surfing on the net and NOTHING will happen to you. |
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 09:25 Post subject: |
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Yeah I know it's about my own insecurities and that it is all about me.
I am not, ever, worried that she we would be unfaithful. I do not take her for granted. I do send things to her. I care more about her then anyone else. I do not have a problem with her going out with friends and party or anything like that. I am happy she does it and does not want to be different in that part.
As for my relation with my mother I have always had a great one with her. However I think that part of the problem is one of my mothers longer relations. She was with a man that abused her both physically and psycologically (spelling?). I didn't know how it was until she separated from him. Problem is that this man was almost like father for me during ten years. From when I was four or five until I was thirteen. I think it has tainted me more then I realize sometimes and I have taken some of his behaviour into my own. I think about that from time to time and I think that is what causes some of it. Because I have seen what he was asking and how he was handling it. It is not something I am proud of but I am aware of it and I am very careful to never abuse her in any way. I think it may be a fear that I will say something sometime that I can not undo.
That may be the problem actually. That shit I have seen I am afraid that I myself would do some day. Not that I would do it, but the fear of it.
I also know that history is history and 95% of the time I do not care. There are some nights however that I feel like shit over it all. I am happy that she is honest, that I know what has happened to some limit and if I would ask I know that I would get to know the absolute truth.
Luckily I have a friend that I can talk about a LOT of these issues with. Whenever I have talked to her about it, it feels better, I can let go of whatever that is bothering me and move on. Then, sometimes, comes a new thing that occupies my mind.
To some limit I think it is good to think about certain things and accept it. Mostly I am at a level that is healthy. There's just those days when I am not. What happens is that I hate myself for it.
I am very careful about how I talk to her about anything like that, I have been very, very careful to explain to her that it is about me. Not her. I have my own history and I have done things that I am not proud of and that I would have a hard time accepting if it were reverse.
I can handle it too. I never get in a position where I ever feel like breaking up or doing something awful. It all comes down to that when I feel like this I want to hold her and feel that she is all mine in a physical way as well. Which isn't a problem when she's around. However it is a problem when we are so far away from each other.
Thanks for the input guys. I know what I have to work with. It just helps writing it down and having a discussion about it with some people other than the ususal.
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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wawrzul
Posts: 2336
Location: Cracow, Poland
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 13:56 Post subject: |
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Haven't seen it, might do that when I have the time then!
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 14:56 Post subject: |
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| Cohen wrote: | I kinda felt the same way when my mate dumped his bird. She was a stunner and I really wanted to fucking nut all over that ass, but we both knew it was un fair on my mate and I really knew I had to let her go..
I regretted it for years, she was amazingly nice and intelligent. Very pretty too, but sometimes you just cant get together. So dont take your misses for granted.
Bottom line mate, appreciate what you got, and dont get down over the past. We all do shit we regret sooner or later, the past is the past for a reason and if the past isnt affecting your two's future then its all gravy baby
He who lives in the past, puts a burden on his future. |
lol, thats just wrong, you should never fuck ur m8s ex's  |
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 14:57 Post subject: |
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Forget about the past, otherwise you will have no future 
which git banned me btw?
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 15:58 Post subject: |
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Yeah, me having a stupid stupid brain that never listen to me  i had to make some rules for myself
- never be jealous. there's no point. if she wants to cheat on you, she'll do it with or without my jealousy. only thing it does is to stir things up
- never ask about her past, why would i want to know? a simple look into her eyes reveals what kind of person she is now, in the present.
i cant change it and i dont want to change it! say if i could, would i start digging everyones' past and rearange things the way i'd like just because i now care about them? who am i? god?
When it comes to things like work, career, money etc you remember the past to try to see/improve the future, right ?
BUT when it comes to things that bring light into your life, things like love and joy, things that you have no control over other then ruining them
| Cohen wrote: | | He who lives in the past, puts a burden on his future. |
this
ASUS TUF B550M-PLUS | RYZEN 5600x | RTX 3060TI | 16GB DDR4
Last edited by Vikerness on Wed, 10th Mar 2010 16:04; edited 1 time in total
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Wed, 10th Mar 2010 16:03 Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | He who lives in the past, puts a burden on his future. |
Very true, I generally manage to live by that. Once again, thanks for the input all of you. As for rearranging the past I wouldn't want to change anything. Because without my past I would not be where I am today. Without her past she wouldn't be where she is today.
I am doing my best to be happy about how it is and thankful for every moment I get to spend with her. I am also very happy with who I am now and who she is now. That is what matters really. But too little sleep, too much time to think and a lonely night at home makes me go ape-shit sometimes.
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master! |
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| Posted: Thu, 11th Mar 2010 01:25 Post subject: |
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| kosmiq wrote: | | I care more about her then anyone else. |
That single sentence there makes all your ramblings sound rather unhealthy.
Seriously, step back and think it over... things and thoughts like THAT aren't usually too good..
And, seriously posting about it on this forum of all places, seriously, think twice, and thrice about it again...
Then, think again.
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Thu, 11th Mar 2010 12:57 Post subject: |
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I have thought it over. Again, and again, and again. Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't make myself do anything else then get through it. It gets better and better. I have my times when I am at the bottom. Mostly I am flying high though.
I do love her. I have no need of controlling her, changing her past or anything else. I want to spend time with her. And that I care about her more then anything else. Well sure it would easily sound as if nothing else matters, thats not true. However I have a feeling that this could be the one. Not only because I am newly fallen in love with her but because I do really feel like that.
As for this forum I think it is a perfect place to discuss it. Why? Because lots and lots of people here have been or are nerds to the core just like me. There is a great chance that someone has had the same experience. Plus the simple fact that I have always enjoyed the discussions here, people can be serious when they feel like and actually give great advice and input.
The diversity fot he discussions and the people here makes it a great place for it actually. Some people will always give less mature input but others here are, atleast in the past, more serious than anywhere else in some matters.
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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| Posted: Thu, 11th Mar 2010 14:12 Post subject: |
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So why don't you stay with us, but leave us randomly
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| Posted: Thu, 11th Mar 2010 16:21 Post subject: |
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| kosmiq wrote: | | Because lots and lots of people here have been or are nerds to the core just like me.. |
hey im not nerd dude!  |
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| Posted: Fri, 12th Mar 2010 11:54 Post subject: |
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| Namarie wrote: | Seriously, step back and think it over... things and thoughts like THAT aren't usually too good..
And, seriously posting about it on this forum of all places, seriously, think twice, and thrice about it again...
Then, think again. |
| kosmiq wrote: | | I have thought it over. Again, and again, and again. |
Noooo the only solution is to stop thinking!! have you notice that most happy people never think that much? First there are the "stupid"-happy ones living what many (by "many" i mean the envious ones) would call the illusion of happiness, and then there are the few that used to wonder through the labyrinth of thoughts but learned how to let go. If you dont learn how to let go, the brain will only stop when the thinking process has reached and end; but the end has to be retribution/revenge on your part to match the harm you've suffered.
Thus.. you have to let go.. or go ahead and kill everyone.. just dont linger between them two.
| psychokillergr wrote: | | ...enjoy your life ... life is short |
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Fri, 12th Mar 2010 12:25 Post subject: |
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Kill everyone? Sounds like a plan... 
On a serious note I have been a thinker sometimes and sometimes not. Depends on how important it is for my life. I wouldn't say that I am not happy. I am. But for the real big changes in my life, new job, new apartment and other things that affect my life more I am a thinker. Sometimes a little too much, I can say that but not to a point where it makes me unhappy.
That is also something that has changed with age. In my younger days I rarely thought things over or thought that much at all. Now that I am getting older (23, not that old) I am thinking more but my decisions mostly have a larger effect as well.
I would also say that there is no illusion that makes me happy. I really am. I love my job, I like the way I live (sure it could improve in some aspects but change is a procedure imo), I love my friends and my girlfriend. I understand your point though. Somehow everything was easier when I did not think about much at all and yet I do not really want that back. Some of it perhaps but not all of it.
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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