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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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 Posted: Sun, 17th Feb 2008 23:11 Post subject: Problem.. |
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I'd like to start this thread by saying a lot of you may think I am in the wrong, or that what Im doing is unfair on certain people involved.. but its been on my mind for a while now and I need as much advice as I can get. It will probably be a long thread too, but if anyone has some spare time I'd appretiate the read/feed.
I like a girl who im pretty sure likes me.. the problem is, shes taken. I gave her my number a couple weeks ago and she told me she was really flattered by it.. she hugged me several times and told me she was taken and that it would have to stay friends. I respected this and stayed back. Her relationship is clearly on the rocks, it's as if shes clinging on for the reason she feels guilty if she finnishes her guy, and is scared of losing the comfort of having a BF.. And one thing is for sure, this guy is an asshole. He has cheated several times and abused her kindness/trust, he treats her like crap and is very controling/possessive too...
Now I know some will now be thinking shes a dumb bitch for sticking around with this guy... well, I had a long talk with her. She is a clever person, she seems to have brains and knows how stupid she must seem staying with a serial cheater..
We texted quite a lot over that night I gave my number and the next couple days. We have quite a few things in common, one or two things not so in common but enough for I think a decent relationship.. plus shes intelligent, likes music and her instruments, art, etc.. not just the average bimbo.
After a while, the text's died down and things went quiet. A few occasional "how are you? what you been doing?" texts on both sides etc over the last 5-6 weeks or so.
One day last week I was walking with my best friend through his college, my ex college, where this girl and I met (we had a class together but didn't really talk much, I liked her but was seeing someone at the time so didn't say anything.)
We where walking through the canteen and I noticed the girl sitting with what I think was her boyfriend + a friend. She looked straight at me, and just as she did so I turned away and walked as if I didn't see... I would have felt awkward if her BF had been there when I was talking to her I guess.. Anyway.. Later on that night, quite late in fact, my phone goes off... it's her, and it says "I saw you earlier, how are you? I smiled and waved but I dont think you saw me?".. I told her a white lie and said that I hadn't seen her. We then text a few times just like before. The next day, I was in college again and I walked to the canteen to wait for a friend. The room was empty apart from her.. So I walked right up and sat down. We talked for almost 2 hours I think.. about my relationship breakup, her relationship problems, my life, her life, her job, her boyfriend.. the lot. I told her the reasons for my last breakup and how I didn't get those butterflies and, make note, '<b>those nice feelings inside</b>' anymore.. I was honest with her. It felt good, I felt relaxed talking with her and she seemed really connected with me.
All of a sudden she starts pouring out her feelings on her relationship. She tells me about how he cheated, how he treats her, what she feels, what she doesn't feel. It seems exactly how I felt right before I finnished my ex.. She then says they had an arguement in the pub a few days earlier and that she almost ended it then, but couldnt do it. I then comforted her about it and gave my opinion, how she shouldnt have forgiven him all those times he cheated. She basically explained that she feels comfortable having him but would rather be happy without him.. she feels tainted, and make note, <b> and doesnt get those 'feelings inside ' anymore with him</b>.
When she has to leave, she comes over and hugs me really nice.. although this hug was strange. She looks away, not making eye contact, comes in really fast and hugs me quite tightly.. one of those good hugs, you know? so I say "look after yourself" and she replies with "you too, il message you later".
I was feeling ill that day, and I'd told her I was feeling rough cos id had a stomach bug or something (i made a thread about this in the bitching section). I go home. When I get home late that night, sure enough she texts.. its about 10:30 PM after she gets off work. She says how it was really nice talking to me and thanks me, and says when i go to sleep sweet dreams etc.. the soft kind of stuff. Lots of comfort names in there too, hun, darl blabla. Sweet I thought.. anyway.
She then drops me one last text.. It reads "you made me feel really nice inside today, you know what I mean. Your really lovely." Those feelings inside, surely this isnt conincidence.. she said this for a reason right?
I just dont know what to make of it.. I really like her, it seems she likes me and I feel we have a connection together. I feel if I get too close im gonna mess things up with this dick.. (even though it seems its gonna happen anyway) if that brings her to me then I would feel guilty for doing so.. but if I dont, then I worry I may be letting a really great girl go.
My bottom line is this, from all the texts, all the talks, it seems she feels the same about me but is clinging on in a failed and 99% dead relationship with a fucking asshole for whatever reason.. Kinda like she wishes when I told her I liked her and gave her my number that she was single and could have started something with me. She also remembers pretty much everything I have texted or said to her.. surely this must mean ive been on her mind quite a lot?
I feel now im hoping that she finnishes her BF..But is it wrong to myself to wait on someone? I can't shake these thoughts at all, I really think shes something I will not come across often in my life.. but I think this relationship with him wont last.
I know I post a lot of things here and some of you guys don't like me but this is the most serious I've posted.. I really need some advice with this, even if it's Dazz telling me to get out, Leo telling me it's the jooz fault, Jenni threatening to ban me because my Sig is too big and that I should respect women and not have them in my sig's... 
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[sYn]
[Moderator] Elitist
Posts: 8374
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| Posted: Sun, 17th Feb 2008 23:44 Post subject: |
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My advice, which is obviously utterly correct in every way and should be followed to the letter this instant... P.S. Rinze, if you read this, change my title from Elitist to God Complex .. 
Anyway..
Taking action towards this girl would be wrong, she has to make her own choices and decide things without you pushing her into anything. You shouldn't throw your opinion at her about her current boyfriend, at the end of the day, you have other motives and should simply not get involved other than to comfort her.
However, that doesn't stop you letting her know how you feel, so long as you be sure what you say is simply "these are my feelings, do with them what you will" rather than "these are my feelings, you should break up with that ass hole and come love me"..
So yeah, I would tell her how I felt and then let her make the choice. If she doesn't break up with him, you have your answer, if she does, awesome .. Either way its her choice and you haven't pushed her into anything.
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Sun, 17th Feb 2008 23:52 Post subject: |
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Yeh, cheers Syn. That is what I was thinking.. it just doesnt seem the right thing to do until you hear it from someone else. I think for now I will leave it, I have a job interview tomorrow so need to concentrate on that..
I just feel if I tell her how I feel she may back off and I may lose her that way.. like im coming on too strong with my feelings, just like you said pushing my opinion?
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[sYn]
[Moderator] Elitist
Posts: 8374
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| Posted: Mon, 18th Feb 2008 00:01 Post subject: |
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There is a big difference between pushing your feelings onto someone and simply telling them how you feel. So long as you keep it short and simple then give her space to herself to think about things you're doing the right thing.
Maybe write her a letter, something personal (well more personal than a txt or email) just saying how you feel, what you think of her (not her relationship or current situation) and how she makes you feel (thinking of her, being with her etc..).. Then ask her to let you know what she thinks, no rush. Then leave it, see what happens. If after 2 weeks you have no reply, then as shitty as it might feel its time to just move on.
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| Posted: Mon, 18th Feb 2008 08:21 Post subject: |
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I haven't read anything that she has said that would be definitive of liking you to the extent
that you like her. Granted there are indicators, but nothing concrete.
As to what you should do? This is where I often get in trouble with my practise. I think you should do what you want to do, and not what you think you should do. I don't think how he treats her is of any consequence, and furthermore she has the relationship, you do not.
How to approach her? I would make your feelings apparent, I would flirt and be inviting, but let her make the first move (physically)
From that point you will have to decide where things go. Ideally she would leave him within a reasonable amount of time.
Things to watch out for, are her staying with him for extended time, hiding you or lying about you to friends and family. Telling you what you want to hear but never having it materialize.
Remember if you do this, you are making your bed. You will have to lay in it regardless of the result. Ultimately this could be a bust, she could be the cheating type, or she could be transitioning.
Both women and men are terrible at determining when to move on. This is usually for a variety of factors including comfort level (they have been together for a long time) poor judgement, Fear, feelings that they are "stuck." or have no options (usually finances.) If people knew when to move on I would be out of a job. (well not really but it would suck.)
Regardless what you choose will have some effect on you long term, if she turns out to be just some cheating hussy, or someone who is using you for the comforts that her man isn't providing, or if she's this great gal that you can make things work with, there is no way to tell
if it will work. Good luck
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, but to weigh and consider.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
In all your remembering, remember that you have choices
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Mon, 18th Feb 2008 13:54 Post subject: |
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Honestly, I think you're reading too much into this.
I -do- think she likes you, because you understand her, and enjoys your opinions and helps her make her mind up.
This is a rather classic situation though (I've been in a similar situation, and many of my friends too).
This might be an exception, but this is how my experience has taught me how things will go:
a) She's using you as a means to get out of her current relationship
b) When she breaks up with the guy, you -might- become the rebound-guy (in some cases not)
c) She then decides to be with someone totally different, and acts as if there wasn't anything but friendship between the two of you.
Again, you might be one of the exceptions. But my advise is to keep your distance until she makes it crystal clear what her intentions are. Don't take anything for granted, don't guess that she's looking to be with you instead, and don't get your hopes up too much. Be down to earth about it, don't be afraid to tell her you still have feelings for her, etc. - but until she actually tells you she has similar feelings. Just leave it at that.
I also think fisk should be unbanned.
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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kosmiq
Posts: 2304
Location: Somewhere
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| Posted: Mon, 18th Feb 2008 22:33 Post subject: |
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I can't say surely whether she is really interested in that way or not. However I would say that most likely she uses you for comfort and a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. It could end up as dominae said with you being a rebound guy, a future close friend or as in a few rare cases a future real boyfriend.
However I'd say that the current situation with her boyfriend and general behavior is more leaned to the close friend part if you continue to talk when she finally decides whether to break up or stay with her boyfriend.
I also agree with [sYn] here that any action towards her is wrong at this moment and you should be passive and let her to the eventual move.
Good luck!
Behold his GLORY! Bow for the technical master!
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| Posted: Tue, 19th Feb 2008 11:01 Post subject: |
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Hi Water, don't mind about the people that don't like you ! No one can be liked by everyone !
About your situation i add my two cents ...
That's a fucking sit i have unfortunately lived a few times, way too much for my tastes, on my own skin.
Believe me, just writing you these lines and remembering about those sits happened so many years ago still makes my body chill for the pain i suffered.
When i was 22 i knew a girl that has a boyfriend, we started a story much similar to yours, we talked much, we had much in common, we even arrived to say each other "i love you", we sometimes met for lunch, etc etc.
We continued that "half-story" for nearly an year, she was always on the point of giving up with his bf because he trated her so much badly in many things ...
But she never left him.
I received even threatening calls from his boyfriend that thought there was strange in her.
We continued still our story, but she never left him.
I was always there for her, always ready to help her, to listen to her, to make her laugh and try to make her happy and be happy with her.
I was a step from happyness.
But that step has never come.
I didn't want to push for her to give up with her bf, i awaited for that to happen but it will never happened.
With much pain and after nearly two years everything ended and i never heard her anymore.
What i have learned from that (and other) lesson ?
If you REALLY like her, even if it's not right to be the cause for ending another relationship, it's much worse to make something, to step up from the shadow and clearly tell her "i like you very much, etc etc etc" than doing nothing and stay to wait, for quite a few reasons (that still nowadays i ask about my past stories just the one i told you):
- waiting will not give you the answer to "does she consider me only like a friend or does she really like me ?"
- you risk to end up waiting for her choice that maybe will never come
- you risk that someone else less "sensible" that you exploits her problems with his guy and steal her from you anyway
Of course this is valid for me, as i said above, only if you REALLY like her. If you think you can have with her more than a short story !
Sorry if some of my advices seem a bit "harsh", but if i had these visions when i was 20 i would have suffered much less.
Hope this helps you in some way.
There are only 10 kinds of people : those that understand binaries and those that don't.
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Tue, 19th Feb 2008 14:03 Post subject: |
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thanks man, good points. Im going to put it to the back of my mind for now, if I hang up over her I will only be hurting myself, so.. I will leave it in the back of my mind with a little hope, whilst I look eslewhere.
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| Posted: Tue, 19th Feb 2008 17:22 Post subject: |
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Yeah, the point is not hurting yourself firstly, of course even not hurting other people, but it's not right to do it if you hurt yourself in the meanwhile !
So if it's a situation that you cannot resolve quickly and it causes you pain, taking a bit of distance from her, knowking other women, and ultimately giving both of you time to think to the situation without having her become your obsession, could be very healthy for you !
Who knows, maybe seeing that you are beginning to flirt with another woman and you interest her will be the enough for her to leave his bf and coming to you before it's too late ...
Or maybe she could take a morning star and crushing your head against a tree trunk because you didn't understand her 
Everything is possible with women
Ok ok women i'm joking, of course
There are only 10 kinds of people : those that understand binaries and those that don't.
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| Posted: Wed, 20th Feb 2008 11:12 Post subject: |
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Strangely enough, I haven't seen the women comment? I wonder what that means?
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, but to weigh and consider.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
In all your remembering, remember that you have choices
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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Jenni
Banned
Posts: 9526
Location: England.
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| Posted: Wed, 20th Feb 2008 11:53 Post subject: |
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Just because she hugged you means her relation is on the rocks?
Shit Watergem theres plenty fish in the sea. Why not go for someone who's not taken.
I'm sorry, I have absolutely no time for people (male or female) that ruin peoples relationships.
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Thu, 21st Feb 2008 02:30 Post subject: |
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booohooo jenni.... did u even read his first post?! what a fuckin comment.
And i could only quote imaginary.number - take your chance and if it doesn`t work out for you, move on... I know it isn`t that simple, but i am drunk, and that is exactly what i SHOULD have done in a similar situation several years ago.
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| Posted: Thu, 21st Feb 2008 08:51 Post subject: |
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| Jenni wrote: | Just because she hugged you means her relation is on the rocks?
Shit Watergem theres plenty fish in the sea. Why not go for someone who's not taken.
I'm sorry, I have absolutely no time for people (male or female) that ruin peoples relationships. |
Sounds like you're taking this personal.
How strong are the feelings really if a person is "stealable"?
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| Posted: Thu, 21st Feb 2008 22:24 Post subject: |
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heila watergem how are you ?
feel a bit better ?
There are only 10 kinds of people : those that understand binaries and those that don't.
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Jenni
Banned
Posts: 9526
Location: England.
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| Posted: Thu, 21st Feb 2008 22:56 Post subject: |
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One mans pillock is another womans lover Watergem. Just ask AWE.
When he's eventually lost his virginity.
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| Posted: Fri, 22nd Feb 2008 01:47 Post subject: |
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Watergem,
You are doing the right thing, you've listened to people and you've made a choice.
I disagree about ruining someone's relationship though. That's their responsibility not yours.
That being said, it's a touchy subject.
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, but to weigh and consider.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
In all your remembering, remember that you have choices
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| Posted: Fri, 22nd Feb 2008 04:44 Post subject: |
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fuck it, just go for it baby/1
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Fri, 22nd Feb 2008 12:26 Post subject: |
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No. It wouldn't be the right thing to do. If I did split them up, and a month down the line with her the relationship may not even work, then I'd feel terrible and thats the kind of shit that causes people to go off the edge.
I've been talking to some new girls to try to get myself away from the situation. It's helping if im honest. She hasnt spoken to me for a week or so now.
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| Posted: Mon, 25th Feb 2008 10:54 Post subject: |
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Yeah of course there are risks in both ways ... anyway you should think about them (and talking even here in a forum could help too) and then decide what is better for you, if that is the way you think you will suffer less, than go for it !
See other girls and i'll bet my balls that you will find some other interesting and less "problematic" girls !
And sometimes forget women and make a long lasting videogame session
There are only 10 kinds of people : those that understand binaries and those that don't.
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| Posted: Tue, 26th Feb 2008 19:41 Post subject: |
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I didn't bother reading other replies, but here's my two cents. I was in exactly the same situation. Sort off. Well, I liked a taken girl, who was in a bad relationship. I was in a so-so relationship, which I didn't mind cheating on here and there. Anyway, the key was to break them up. I planted a seed early on, by being partial - I said - you shouldn't be with that guy, he's not good for you. And then engage friends phase untill they break up. It might be tricky, so the idea is to say that you were/are in exactly the same situation and this is what you think you yourself should do/have done. And It's a sure bet that they will break up, if, as you say she likes you already. Sometimes it takes time, though.
Anyway, it's maybe of value to point out that the above has worked for me a few times, but backfired once. The girl saw through my "act". She's a smart cookie, but the bottom line is that she didn't want to be with me in the first place.
But all the **reasoning** aside, just know that if it's meant to be, it'll be. Somehow people just hookup left and right, break up, deal, no deal, etc. It all works out. If you are better than he is, which you've certainly portrayed by the one-man-show above, she'll choose you in the end. And if you aren't, well, maybe it'll work out somewhere down the line.
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| Posted: Tue, 26th Feb 2008 22:56 Post subject: |
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I'm less experienced than you in these matters, but she's only returning your comfort atm, there's no expression of a want to be with you yet. Wait and see what changes or move on.
my $0.02
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Cohen
Posts: 7155
Location: Rapture
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| Posted: Wed, 27th Feb 2008 00:01 Post subject: |
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This is developed quite a bit since I last spoke.
She texts me quite frequently now, glad to say im not feeling as lost or powerless around her or what im talking to her now. I feel I have graspsed the reality of the situation if that makes sense.
Im still talking to her as friends, getting to know her better etc. Told her a few secrets, a few personal things, you know how it goes.. she seems very trustworthy kinda girl which I like.
I also had a chat with my ex's friend today who is a really nice girl, she gave a lot of input to things and I kind of realised how I was putting too much thought into something.. Im just gonna let the situation play out on its own without worrying about it, because for all I know, I may meet someone even better out of the blue.
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| Posted: Wed, 27th Feb 2008 00:59 Post subject: |
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Maybe CNZ can give you some advice on the matter?
| Quote: | | i went out last night with some usual girl. she hoped for love. i gave her that with false way Very Happy anyway i fucked her ass and did blowjob, now i left her and finding new one to fuck. |
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