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TSR69
Banned
Posts: 14962
Location: Republic of the Seven United Provinces
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 Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2011 07:39 Post subject: The verbal joke thread |
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Dutch guy goes to England for a vacation, he meets an English guy:
English guy: Spring is in the air.
Dutch guy: Why should I?
 Spoiler: | If you don't get it, you ain't Dutch (or Belgian). |
Last edited by TSR69 on Mon, 5th Dec 2011 09:19; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2011 09:28 Post subject: |
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Men be cautious what you say to your wives...
Wife: "What would you do if I die? Would you marry again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why? You don't like to be married?"
Husband: "Of course I do"
Wife: "But why won't you marry again?"
Husband: "OK, I would marry again"
Wife (offendedly): "Ah, you would marry again?"
Husband: (deep sigh)
Wife: "Would you two live in our house?"
Husband: "Of course! It's a beautiful house"
Wife: "Wold you sleep in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else?"
Wife: "Would you allow her to drive my car?"
Husband: "Certainly! It's almost a new car!"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "I think it would be reasonable"
Wife: "Would you allow her to use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "NO! She is left handed"
Wife: (silence and stares)
Husband: "Oh crap...."
rgds
Sabalasa
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sausje
Banned
Posts: 17716
Location: Limboland, Netherlands
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| Posted: Mon, 5th Dec 2011 17:29 Post subject: 2 junikes |
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2 junkies are in the cinema. The lights start to dim.
"You see how the lights fade away?" asks the first one.
"I know how it is done!" replies the other
"How?"
"They have a man up there who is veeery slooowly pulling the plug out."
rgds
Sabalasa
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kumkss
Posts: 4832
Location: Chile
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doobzilla
Posts: 1099
Location: Team America's Mount Rushmore Base. Stolen from Indians.
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| Posted: Tue, 6th Dec 2011 04:47 Post subject: |
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And old man is fishing by himself early one morning when he is somewhat startled to hear a muffled, "hey! pick me up!" from, what seems to be, right beside him. He looks around, but doesn't see anyone else. He just thinks that he imagined the sound and keeps fishing. A few moments later he hears the same little voice mutter, "hey! pick me up!" This time, when he looks around, he sees a small frog sitting on a lily pad right next to his boat. He looks at the frog and asks, "Is that you talking?" To which the frog replies, "Yes! If you pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman that you've ever seen in your entire life!" The man thinks about this proposition for a moment before leaning over and picking the frog up. As he begins to put the frog in his pocket, the frog exclaims, "Didn't you hear me?!? I said that you have to kiss me for this to work!" The old man says, simply,
| Spoiler: | "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog." |
Hobo Zombie: TRAAAAAAAIIIINNNNNNSSSSSS
Woman Zombie: COMPLAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS
Englishmen Zombie: REFRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS
Thanks for the idea Lutz!
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| Posted: Tue, 6th Dec 2011 11:44 Post subject: |
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WARNING: Politically incorrect one!
| Spoiler: |
In US.
Man is driving on the highway and suddenly he sees a police car in his back mirror with flashlights on.
"I have my driving licence, I've not been drinking, all other papers are also fine. OK I'll stop.", the man thinks.
The policeman walks up to the front door. The driver lowers his window and reaches out his papers but the policeman says:
"We have a bit of a situation here. Terrorists have captured our ex president mr G.W. Bush and threaten to set him on fire if we do not pay them 20 million USD. Can you please help us out? How much would you donate?"
The driver thinks a bit and replies:
"Well, would 2-3 gallons help?"
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rgds
Sabalasa
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| Posted: Tue, 6th Dec 2011 11:50 Post subject: |
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Werelds
Special Little Man
Posts: 15098
Location: 0100111001001100
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| Posted: Tue, 6th Dec 2011 12:01 Post subject: |
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Perfectly correct IMO 
And iconized, that one is not even funny in Dutch, sorry - very poor 
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 12:53 Post subject: |
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2 junkies in court.
Judge: " I will not put you in prison if you can talk people away from drugs. You have 2 days, then you report back to me."
After 2 days the junkies are back.
Judge: "How did it go?"
Junkie 1: "I managed to convince 16 people"
Judge: "Nice work! How did you do it?"
"Junkie 1: "I drew 2 circles on the pavement - one big and one small. Then I told them that the bigger circle is your brain before drugs and the smaller one after."
Judge: "OK. Well done. Now how did you do?", he turns to the other fellow
Junkie 2: "I managed to convince 160 people!"
Judge: "WOW! Tell me about it!"
Junkie 2: "I also drew 2 circles on the pavement - one big and one small and told them that the smaller circle is your asshole before prison and the bigger one after"
rgds
Sabalasa
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 12:56 Post subject: |
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
Posts: 73194
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 13:15 Post subject: |
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| sabalasa wrote: | 3 surgeons are discussing their work.
Surgeon 1: "I like to work with accountants. Their internal organs are always numbered."
Surgeon 2: "I like librarians more. They have their organs in alphabetical order."
Surgeon 3: "Naah, politicians are the easiest. They are spineless, gutless and heartless and their heads and asses are interchangeable!" |
Good one |
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 13:16 Post subject: |
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Blonde Logic:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
rgds
Sabalasa
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 13:20 Post subject: |
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Stevie Wonder goes to a pub with his seeing dog. He orders 6 beers, takes a sip and starts swirling his dog around like a lasso holding the dog from his tail.
"What the hell are you doing!" screams the bartender
"Nothing really, just looking around" replies Stevie
rgds
Sabalasa
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| Posted: Sat, 17th Dec 2011 13:52 Post subject: |
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| Posted: Sun, 18th Dec 2011 04:44 Post subject: |
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TOP 10 REASONS WHY TO DATE AN ENGINEER:
1. I can probe to find your NORMAL DEPTH.
2. I know the capacity and limitations of my CANTILEVER BEAM.
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3. You'll always know when I reach maximum SUPER ELEVATION.
4. I can determine your antecedent MOISTURE CONDITION.
5. I can mitigate your WET LAND
6. I can calculate the SHEAR FLOW of your box section.
7. I can determine your RADIUS OF CURVATURE.
8. I know to apply a FACTOR OF SAFETY to my dynamic thrust
load.
9. I can optimized your WETTED PERIMETER.
10. I know to avoid CRITICAL FLOW CONDITIONS.
This forum deserves a better troll, and I am gonna give it to'em....
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| Posted: Sun, 18th Dec 2011 04:46 Post subject: |
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A guy went up to his father saying: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.
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Father: Ohhhh! I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later.
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter. .
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them. Because dad is their father!.
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want, He isn't your father"
This forum deserves a better troll, and I am gonna give it to'em....
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| Posted: Thu, 24th Jan 2013 21:42 Post subject: |
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BUMP
This forum deserves a better troll, and I am gonna give it to'em....
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| Posted: Wed, 5th Aug 2015 18:35 Post subject: |
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Plane crashes on uninhabited island. Captain, second pilot and stewardess survives.
One week later captain says: "All right, enough with debauchery" and kills the stewardess.
One week later captain says: "All right, enough with debauchery" and buries the stewardess.
One week later captain says: "All right, enough with debauchery" and digs out the stewardess.
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