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 Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 14:59 Post subject: U.S.A. looses it's Sovereighty back to the United Kingdom. |
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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: This was from a facebook post, not from my creative mind...  I still think it's funny.
"There will be no end to the troubles of humanity, until philosophers become kings, or kings become philosophers.", Plato.
"Hyperbole will destroy us all.", Matt Dillahunty.
"The hyperbole, the demonization of the other opinion and the unwillingness to even read the opposing opinion destroys the so important political discussions necessary for the well functioning of society.", Couleur
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
Posts: 73196
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 15:15 Post subject: |
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 15:16 Post subject: |
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 15:17 Post subject: |
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If the UK took ownership of the US today both countries would become an even larger abomination. I don't even want to imagine how bad it would be.
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zipfero
Posts: 8938
Location: White Shaft
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 15:20 Post subject: |
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loses*
8 out of 10 dentists prefer zipfero to competing brands(fraich3 and Mutantius)!
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 19:17 Post subject: |
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At least they wont have to remake the anthem as it was already british made.
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 19:29 Post subject: |
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| Mchart wrote: | | If the UK took ownership of the US today both countries would become an even larger abomination. I don't even want to imagine how bad it would be. |
Pretty much. I'd hate this country even more if it was under British rule lol. However..maybe that would at least mean we'd get better sitcoms.
I don't even understand why they throw a fit because we don't use the metric system. Fuck that. I love my inches and miles. |
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
Posts: 73196
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 19:31 Post subject: |
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It is god damn time USA got some Sharia courts.
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Morphineus
VIP Member
Posts: 24883
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 19:58 Post subject: |
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| SpykeZ wrote: | | I don't even understand why they throw a fit because we don't use the metric system. Fuck that. I love my inches and miles. |
That's like someone using horse and carriage to travel, it works but that doesn't mean it's not outdated  |
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:10 Post subject: |
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What's outdated about it. I use it every day just fine without feeling outdated.
Just a typical "well we're Europe and whatever we do is better"
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Werelds
Special Little Man
Posts: 15098
Location: 0100111001001100
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:15 Post subject: |
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tonizito
VIP Member
Posts: 51409
Location: Portugal, the shithole of Europe.
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:18 Post subject: |
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| Werelds wrote: | Imperial system is hilarious, because it still hinges on the measurements some one cooked up fuckknowshowlongago. The length of his feet became an actual unit
This falls in that same category:
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Feet/inches/miles guy probably had a gun and the other guy didn't.
Case closed.
| boundle (thoughts on cracking AITD) wrote: | | i guess thouth if without a legit key the installation was rolling back we are all fucking then |
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Werelds
Special Little Man
Posts: 15098
Location: 0100111001001100
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:18 Post subject: |
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Aww, ninja edit failed 
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zipfero
Posts: 8938
Location: White Shaft
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:21 Post subject: |
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why is ascending more logical than descending. Surely the date is relevant more often than the year, as well
8 out of 10 dentists prefer zipfero to competing brands(fraich3 and Mutantius)!
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LeoNatan
☢ NFOHump Despot ☢
Posts: 73196
Location: Ramat Gan, Israel 🇮🇱
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 21:31 Post subject: |
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WAT
Year first is the actual accepted method of sorting:
2001-03-09
2002-10-17
2012-12-21
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 22:31 Post subject: |
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ISO accepted "standard" or not, it's incredibly illogical and not only have I never heard anyone putting date first (outside Japan...) but it's also never been on any official correspondence I've ever received. It's not part of the my OS, it's not part of my life, it was not part of any tuition I've ever received and it never has been.
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Sin317
Banned
Posts: 24322
Location: Geneva
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 22:33 Post subject: |
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The Imperial system is so great, that even the army isn't using it. That really says it all.
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Morphineus
VIP Member
Posts: 24883
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 22:44 Post subject: |
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| SpykeZ wrote: | What's outdated about it. I use it every day just fine without feeling outdated.
Just a typical "well we're Europe and whatever we do is better" |
Spykez for crying out loud, there is a troll smiley  And it was meant to be ahead of 'we are better' post
*edited something out because it be too harsh when taken seriously* |
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 22:54 Post subject: |
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Last edited by paxsali on Thu, 4th Jul 2024 22:04; edited 1 time in total
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X_Dror
Posts: 4957
Location: Jerusalem, Israel
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 23:36 Post subject: |
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Reading the American trains schedule in 12 hour systems is fun, they found a creative way to differ between AM and PM:
| Quote: | Legend:
am - italics | pm - bold |
http://www.caltrain.com/schedules/weekdaytimetable.html
Why not use 24 hours?!?!?
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 23:48 Post subject: |
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Too complicated. 1 turns into 13, 8 is 20. Just weird shit all round...
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X_Dror
Posts: 4957
Location: Jerusalem, Israel
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| Posted: Sat, 5th Oct 2013 23:57 Post subject: |
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If it's difficult, just subtract 12, it makes perfect sense lol.
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 00:31 Post subject: |
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| sabin1981 wrote: | | ISO accepted "standard" or not, it's incredibly illogical and not only have I never heard anyone putting date first (outside Japan...) but it's also never been on any official correspondence I've ever received. It's not part of the my OS, it's not part of my life, it was not part of any tuition I've ever received and it never has been. |
It's also the Swedish format is it not?
It's also logical - depends on how you look at it.
On a larger, global timescale year is more important than the day and month, for example. Or if you are looking through a list - you fist narrow down to a year, then month, and then date.
I'd say this format is more suitable for documentation and "official" purposes, while the day/month/year format is more useful for day to day, casual use, where the events in the near future/past hold more significance 
Again, my point being that both formats have valid logic to them.
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Sin317
Banned
Posts: 24322
Location: Geneva
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 01:07 Post subject: |
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 01:34 Post subject: |
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something tells me myanmar and liberia need investigating further.
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Morphineus
VIP Member
Posts: 24883
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 01:55 Post subject: |
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Man, even the South Pole refuses to adopt the metric system :/
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MAD_MAX333
Moderator
Posts: 7020
Location: Toronto, Canada...eh
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 02:23 Post subject: |
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does splendid mean something different in UK? lol
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ixigia
[Moderator] Consigliere
Posts: 65081
Location: Italy
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| Posted: Sun, 6th Oct 2013 04:15 Post subject: |
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| SpykeZ wrote: | What's outdated about it. I use it every day just fine without feeling outdated.
Just a typical "well we're Europe and whatever we do is better" |
Reminded me of this comic that I fixed a while ago
 |
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